Dr. Glenn I. Latham
Be of good cheer. Christ like countenance.
Warm, human, parental attachment; approachable and non-judgmental; safe, pleasant; calm, instructive, empathy, understanding, really calm. Directness.
More than anything else, always love your children.
“Let him know you’re glad he’s home safe and sound, that you’ve been concerned about him.”
- “See what wonderful things happen to you, [Robin], for behaving well.“
Carefully planned and conducted family activities help parents create Low-risk families Who really care for each other.
It is so important that parents are pleasant to be around and that they create a pleasant, safe, Christlike environment at home so children will be gratified for being there- and will want to be there rather than somewhere else.
“Throughout adolescence, parents remain absolutely central in the lives of kids.” ...
“Arena of comfort“ a place where kids want to be and where there’s a sense of belonging, of “connectedness“
The fact is, it doesn’t take a whole village to affectively raise a child. It takes good parenting. A whole village can help raise a child. But that’s the best it can do and the most it should be expected to do.
A safe home, a place of belonging, a place free of coercers (criticism, sarcasm, despair, pleadings, anger, threats, judgments, logic, reason, force)... The village did not affect that change; Christlike parenting did.
“If God lived on earth, people would knock all his windows out.” An old Yiddish saying
Parental attention is the most powerful force or consequence in the shaping of children’s behavior.
“Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances” Thomas Jefferson
*I looked deep into his eyes and said, “Son, I’m really sorry this has upset you so much.“
Just let it go. Respond as a highly civilized adult no matter how uncivilized the child behaves.
“A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards. Proverbs 29:11
The keys to preventing violence are “clear, reasonable, age-appropriate expectations... positive and consistent discipline techniques, and supervision of children including knowing their whereabouts.” Dr. John Reid
Instant compliance turns out to be a bad trade of short-term gains for long-term losses. *Where the emphasis is on punishment rather than teaching, expediency rather than growth.
“Television is a medium that encourages imitation.” Tartikoff CNN
“We have a passion to punish, and an aversion to teach.”
“Children are like nails. When they are bent out of shape, a pat on the back will straighten them out better than a thump on the head.”
“If you can lead with love and compassion rather than retaliate with anger and revenge, I am sure you’ll win great victories in life.” Latham
“Don’t I destroy my enemies when I make friends of them?” Lincoln
God is the friend of silence. Mother Teresa
“Oh, Lord, may my presence in this home bring faith and a cheerful good evening to those I love. Made my homecoming strengthen this home and bring us together, not tear us apart. Keep my voice even, that I may build confidence and respect in me as their father and their friend.” -Latham’s “pause that refreshes”
Christlike parenting is parenting that never gives up. Christ would never turn away, tune out, or turn his back on his children.
*Reject the common assumption that present problems will last forever. We must invest in the children and teach them the perspective of patience- a simple but powerful belief that things will get better. -Hollar
Today is not forever. Leave the door open for more talking.
Just be sure the child knows he is valued and is regarded as a valuable member of the family. And that he has your unconditional love.
*Put the problem right back in his lap, while showing that you are concerned about his welfare. “I’m sorry that you feel that way.”
Be emotionally upbeat. Let your countenance smile and shine upon him... be upbeat, happy, and hopeful.
Denying a child the opportunity to exercise his moral agency is every bit as bad as what the child might do when exercising his agency.
Did not throw your children away! Do not encourage them to leave. In the long run, everyone is much better off if you are willing to put up with some of the stress, strain, “noise”, and junk behavior that goes with growing up.
There is a price to be paid in childrearing. We either pay it for a little while upfront or for a long while after adolescence.
All of us must be kind, say nice things, be complementary whenever we can, be playful and fun, and do nothing that would suggest we are angry or disappointed.
How well they are doing in life and how happy they are can be accounted for by their ability to delay immediate gratification in preference to those things that are in their best interest (schooling, saving money, marriage, healthy lifestyle).
***Children need to understand that behavior generates consequences.
***Parents literally rob their children by taking away from them something they have earned and that rightfully belongs to them: Consequences!
“ I can see that you are in desperate circumstances. My heart goes out to you.”
We have to be firm and empathetic.
Striking back is potentially disastrous.
There should be no delight in a child suffering because “he got what he was coming to him.”
Allow consequences to deliver the intended message. There are no lessons as exquisite as those taught by the consequences of our own behavior.
Suffering has a value only to the degree to which leaves to improved behavior. Our prayers and hopes should be that suffering will be instructional.
At least appear to be up and “with it.” “ if you want to be a leader, you can’t go about like a shrinking violet. You may have to put on a bit of an act. It must be sincere; it’s not good to have a bogus act. You’ve got to play up any qualities you have and blow them up larger than life.” -Lord Mountbatten
Be careful what your demeanor says.
Never tell a child something he already knows. Rather, increase your positive acknowledgment of his appropriate behavior. Progress is two steps forward and one step back. Acknowledge the forward steps and ignore the backward ones.
We must resist the temptation to try to quickly effect gains that are too great. Patients, long-suffering, and small, incremental gains produce the most lasting results.
About 95% of such (wayward) children “come back” if the parents remain high on the scale of maturity, this providing the standard to which the children will ultimately gravitate.
“ my children are not all active in the church, but they are all good kids, and one day they will come back.”
The behavior of the parents is even more important than the behavior of the wayward child.
I am certain that Christ expects more of parents than he does have children during times of recovery. Parents (need to) remain buoyant, optimistic, and Christlike-that they keep their countenance up!
Parents must be prepared to take sometimes uncomfortable steps.
When people learn that reinforcement and behavior are not contingent on each other, they acquire learned helplessness. Seliman
Though there might be an initial sinking feeling, our children usually learn what they need to know and get the power they need to go aloft, to be on their way independently. These lessons can only be learned my personal experience.
It is our responsibility to do all we can to preserve our children, then to keep our hand stretched out still.
Today is not forever. We must patiently look beyond the moment and take the hand of God to lead us away from fear and despair unto good.
To increase the probability of their children’s success, parents need to learn the value of building up, and building on, their children’s strengths.
Discipline as teaching vs. punishment as simply administering pain, serving as retribution. Punishment focuses entirely on weaknesses.
If you want your children to behave well, pay attention to them when they are behaving well.
Most parents ignore 95 to 97% of all the appropriate and good things their children do.
What the kid needs is not a good lickin’ but a good lesson.
We must carefully measure our actions, our words, and even the town of our voice... speak softly into your children.
Short-term compliance achieved through coercion leads only to worse behavior in the long run.
I have yet to be asked, “What should I do when my children behave well?” Yet that is the most important question of all.
Problem-oriented thinking as not an affective approach to child rearing. Solution-oriented thinking is.
As a society, we are so problem oriented that we tend to gravitate in that direction. If we are not careful, we are goners.
Building on strengths requires patience and time. It is a little-by-little process.
The other boy had a lot going for him, all they could see where his so-called weaknesses.
They found the time and the means to build their children up as Christ would do, rather than tear them down as Satan would do.
And healthy families, parents gave their children affirmative feedback every other minute, more than 30 times an hour.
Parents must be positive and build on their children’s strengths. Let our mind dwell on the things that are honest, just, pure, lovely, or a good report, virtuous, and praiseworthy.
Synonyms for praise are: approval, acceptance, acknowledgment, appreciation, blessing, complement, to his steam or on her, recognize, sanction, to give tribute, etc.
The positive acknowledgment of appropriate, praiseworthy behavior remains among the most powerful means of shaping and maintaining healthy behavior in our children. It must be deserved, given sincerely, and should be given casually and briefly. It should be delivered randomly and should go beyond compliance to a level of values.
When our children do things that refresh our spirits, “acknowledge ye them.”
God forbids, but permits... he does not punish people; people punish themselves by how they choose to behave. A self-imposed, natural consequence.
Say only a few words and ask questions that put the child in the role of problem solver.
Keep it non coercive, pleasant, and positive.
Do not acknowledge distractors.
Tell the child s/he is what you want him/her to be.
Allow children to learn the sometimes hard lessons resulting from the choices they make. By artificially softening the consequences, we are doing them a terrible disservice.
Many parents seem determined to try to sneak their children into heaven by depriving them of their right to choose for themselves.
Our father in heaven‘s willingness to allow his children to choose for themselves should be our model for parenting, regardless of how tough it gets when children choose in ways that distress us. It is among the greatest blessings parents can give their children.
The worst disaster comes when children are alienated from their parents and family.
Depriving children of the opportunity to make choices tends to render them “powerless.”
Consequences of unwise choices deliver messages & lessons that can be learned no other way.
There is no such thing as risk-free parenting.
Simple guiding principles, guiding visions, strong values and family beliefs can shape behavior.
Children mirror their parents.
“I guess I have been hearing only what I was listening for.”
Solution-oriented approach: “How can we help you? How can you manage your anger better?”
Recognize efforts.
“Their little fingers rapping on the door were like angels’ fingers strumming on the strings of a harp.” I knew I was safe for them. It felt so wonderful.
Learn to be safe, as Jesus was safe.
“He knew we never stopped praying for him.” Billy Graham
Praying for our children is as much a parental responsibility as is feeding them, clothing them, educating them... and nurturing them.
Prayer is a source of comfort, direction, and wisdom that is available nowhere else.
“Love prayer. Feel often the need to pray, and take the trouble to pray. It is by praying often that you will pray better. Prayer enlarges the heart until it is capable of containing the gift that God makes of himself. Ask and seek: your heart will grow capable of receiving him and holding onto him... We must bring the presence of God into our families. And how do we do that? By praying.” -Mother Teresa
“In prayer, we set time aside to allow God’s Spirit to join our spirit and to raise our hearts to God.” Richard J. Hauser
“Louise and I feast on the fruits of the harvest that has followed. When we visit the homes of our children, they are talking to God. Their children are talking to God. There is no thrill upon this earth so great as to kneel and pray with our children and grandchildren and to hear heartfelt appeals and tender appreciations ascending to God... They are drawn to their knees by desire to remain permanently attached to the security of their spiritual roots.”
“Lead them not down the easiest path, but rather down the most beautiful one.” -Korczak
Join your spirit with His, and be prepared for small, personal, every day miracles... God Tapping us on the shoulder, whispering, or at times shouting: “I’m here! I’m with you!” -Halbertstam
Measure the “climate” in your home. 95-97% of all the positive things your children do go unrecognized. There are typically many more good things happening than previously imagined.
Keep data of interactions
Parental attention, positive or negative, is the most powerful consequence in shaping children’s behavior.
Learn that none of the negative, coercive things you are doing day in and day out to get children to behave better results and desired long-term benefits.
“I thought my children were the problem, but it’s really me.”
“When our children were young, and noncompliance increased, I’d just take data for a few days. Sure enough I’d find that right there in the middle of it all where Mom and Dad, scolding, giving advice, trying to make the world fair, scowling, frowning, and asking dumb questions like, ‘Why did you do that?’ etc. Louise and I would look at the data, turn up our own behavior, and soon things were running smoothly again.
If changes are in order and your family, they must begin with you, not your children.
Create a climate in your home in which positive interactions are the rule. 1:8 ratio
I suggest that parents rarely allow an hour to go by without having several positive interactions with their children and with each other.
And low-risk families, parents gave their children affirmative feedback every other minute, more than 30 times per hour.
I was forever impressed at how sweet, gentle, kind, and unflustered they (2 teachers/moms) always were. They smiled and laughed. They encouraged and acknowledged appropriate behavior. They were everything I could ever hope parents and teachers would be.
Does Luis and I enter their home, we make it a point to have many positive interactions with those present within the first 15 minutes of being there: hugging, kissing, complementing, playing, encouraging, holding, and so on. Intermittently throughout the evening, we keep the momentum of positive interactions going, and it makes a wonderful contribution to the family into the sweet spirit of the evening. It helps make the environment safe and comfortable, motivating people to return week after week. When we have lots and lots of positive interactions we are safe, and our children and grandchildren want to be with us.
The key is for parents to establish the quality of environment and refused to allow the annoying, just wrapped up behavior of unhappy children to dictate the mood or course of their behavior. Their countenance must not fall.
Many have said, ‘My parents always worried. They never smiled.’ For parenting to be joyless is tragic. My simple wish is that parents have fun with their children. -Brazelton (America’s pediatrician)
When parents leave my office, they are usually smiling, laughing, and walking tall with hope for a better tomorrow. They learn to enjoy their children; they learn to have fun with them; they learn a better way. Despite how our children look , smell, or act, we must let them know we love them and are glad to be their parents.
My advice to parents is to relax, to ease up, to come up for air once in a while, then work as hard at enjoying your children as you do at worrying about them!
“There are better things than curfews to bring kids home and off the streets at night: A mother singing in the kitchen and a dad it was laying around the house.” -Braude
Quality parent – child interactions were characterized by the following: they listened, they tried to be nice, they gave children choices, and they told children about things.
“I’m glad you’re my child. I’m glad I’m your parent.”
Will power is good, but do-power is better.
We learn to want to do better by first doing better, then enjoying the success of doing better.
Media:
“A society to squeamish to call evil by it’s right name has destroyed it’s first, best defense.” -Gelernter
Make your home safe from the slings and arrows of the world. Only you can do that. It’s your home.
Children need to see that we are wide-awake and alert. They need to see our unyielding commitment to our values.
Work less and parent more.
Play less and parent more.
Consume less and parent more.
Social climb less and parent more.
Spend less time chasing fame and parent more.
Spend less time in the pursuit of money and parent more.
Christ like parenting is a matter of setting our priorities in order. If we seek first to be a Christ-like parent, all else will fall into place.
When parents persist in doing things other than they should be doing, it’s because doing those other things is more personally and immediately reinforcing then doing what they should be doing. -Cheney
Parents must create their own environment. With effective tools and skills, parenting can become the most enjoyable and reinforcing of all enterprises.
“I am a happy parent because I have learned to create in my home an environment that brings my family and me more happiness and joy than can be found anywhere else.”
- Earnestly strive to teach your children with love and patience.
- Be a living lesson to your children of what you teach.
- Create in your home a positive, happy, noncoercive, not abusive environment that is under paternal control and where the consequences for appropriate and inappropriate behavior are well understood by all and are consistently and lovingly applied.
- Allow your children to exercise moral agency; then let consequences deliver the message.
- Keep your hands stretched out continually to your children.
- Pray for your children continually, morning, midday, and evening.
- Be continually learning and applying better, more effective parenting skills.
- Remain above the misbehavior of your children. Be certain your Christlike countenance smiles upon them.
- Keep Christlike parenting at the top of your list of priorities.
- Smile & enjoy your children.
