The relationship cure

Gottman

Thus, the critical dimension in understanding whether a marriage will work or not, becomes the extent to which the male can accept the influence of the woman he loves and become socialized in emotional communication.

But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.

They don’t object to their children’s displays of anger, sadness, or fear. Nor do they ignore them. Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life and they use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons and building closer relationships with them.

Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.

Collector of emotional moments. 

Each pearl is s moment if connecting on a deep and meaningful moments. 

What am I after in this moment? Celebrate connections. 

Consciously looking for opportunities to connect with others

7 command systems

Varies with each person

Regulating these keeps you in-sync

They can be both over activated and under activated

Emotions are designed to help a species survive

How do we reconcile our distinct differences?

Malleable and not completely hardwired. 

Be aware of the filters from which you view events. 

Every family has its own culture and philosophy of emotion.  

Coaching families... believe in the 

Value of all emotions. Even the negative ones. 

Anger, sadness, and fear are a part of life. 

They take advantage of the thousands of opportunities for guidance.

Childhood is a tremendous learning ground. But that learning doesn’t have to stop when we grow up. 

You’ll develop the skills to start new relationships on a stable course and you’ll learn how to repair problems in continual relationships and how to make them stronger.

Communicating with one another on a heart to heart level is not as mysterious as it may seem. Nor is it necessarily intuitive or automatic. 

The key is to become more observant within yourself and with others. 

33 muscles, unattached to bones, in the face for communication. 

Focus on emotions. Give them a name. Then talk about them.

Ability to recognize feelings and express them into words.

Short time out followed by a heart to heart talk in how to handle the situation differently next time. 

Continuing friendships: subtle negotiations; acknowledge emotional heritage; enrich capacity to read them; shared meaning, interests, values, aspirations, and dreams. 

Ex: exercise buddies, volunteer, support groups, book clubs, crafts, games, etc.

Show up/meet up with each other no matter what. Set up time for each other. Monthly, quarterly, etc. 6-12 people are optimal. Give each other 10 minutes of uninterrupted talking time. Take time to turn towards those with whom you can share the ride. 

Happily married couples behave like best friends. 

Conflict is handled in gentle and positive ways. 

Sex is like a work out. I don’t always want to but I’m always glad when I do. -Robin