Motivation needs to come from the inside. Let them set their own bar high.
Who's needs are these? Mine or parents?
A sense of lovability is the core of a healthy self-development.
Loved and valued for mere existence as well as for particular endowments
"Outstanding" children are those who have developed a self that is authentic, capable, loving, creative, in control of itself, and moral.
Self-efficacy: personal capability
Focus on and praise effort, not the end result
Self- management: self control, frustration management, impulse control, delay gratification= Maturity
Our primary responsibility as parents is not to gratify our children, but to make certain that they develop skills that will help them meet life's challenges and disappointments.
Affluent kids haven't had enough bad things happen to them
"Any child that has not been bandaged has not been well parented." Dr. Spock
Children need a mother who is sensitive to both the internal and external feelings and experiences of her child. She reflects interest and the delight in her child's very existence, helping the child to define himself as someone worthy of interest, appreciation, and love.
Zestful and involved motherly interaction
Generosity of spirit: consumerism vs philanthropy
Healthy "internal homes" put at ease internally and in the world. Built from warm and loving parent- child relationships that send the message: "you're worth caring about. I value you and how I feel about you does not rest on your performance or ability to please others"
Tyler resented his over-achieving parents who couldn't love and accept his authentic quiet, kind, loving, and cooperative real self. So what if James wants to be a fireman and Dan wants to be a farmer? Both of those are respectable, honorable, and fulfilling professions and lives. Mike and I both had our calm, slow, not showy childhoods, maybe that's what our boys will choose for adulthood.
Age 0-8: mirror= mother
Avoid criticism, generalizations, and labeling/ name calling
Once a child forms a negative impression of himself, it is very difficult to change
Be interested in whatever excites your child, even if that's trucks instead of math and reading.
Be kind to your child. Your child is eager to please you.
8-12: "There's nobody nicer than a ten year old" -Ames
Maintain perspective and don't cut off interests prematurely
Children need to see that we value their character first, their effort second, and then their grades
Allow children to explore, learn, and create without the pressure of scrutiny and constant evaluation
Age 12-14: Mirror=peers
Help them feel loved and worthwhile at a time when they are generally feeling insecure and vulnerable.
Teens are still very dependent on parents-- not a time to back off. Amidst protest and rejection, work to maintain connected
When a parent can tolerate some criticism from their teens, they are teaching them that one does not have to be perfect to be okay
Age 15-17) "who is the real me?"
Moodiness occurs as level of self worth swings back and forth.
Letting go of reassuring childhood dependency it is hard for us and harder for her children.
When we mitigate natural consequences, we deprive our children out of one of life's most important lessons: that we are held accountable for actions.
Development is aided by understanding the parents. We all yearn to be loved for who we are, not just for what we do.
Autonomy: independent & capable
Importance of finding a balance between connection (warmth) and discipline (control)= connecting with our kids and providing boundaries
The one thing we have control over is how we parent-- at the same time, we need to retain compassion for ourselves as we still stumble upon some of our less desirable strategies
-authoritarian parents are more demanding of their children than they are responsive to their needs
-permissive parents are warm friends who are afraid to show enforce boundaries
-authoritative parents are warm and excepting, yet set clearly defined limits and expectations. They are demanding and responsive. Support rather than criticism or punishment encourages children to meet expectations.
Value: cooperation, responsibility, self-regulation, achievement, self-motivation, independence, connection
Warm, but capable of appropriate discipline. Committed to supporting a high degree of autonomy.
Acceptance: In spite of inevitable disappointments, the essence of your child remains dear to you.
Understanding: take the time to really listen
Investment: Child will not be emotionally abandoned in times of fear or distress.
Know and value the idiosyncratic, unique child who stands in front of us.
Make sure your child knows that, if given a choice of all the children in the world, he is the one you would choose.
Praise for ethical behavior and sincere effort needs to be balanced with expressions of disappointment and correction for hurtful behavior and lazy effort.
Praise is not warmth and is usually manipulative and controlling. It gives the wrong message to a child. What the kid needs to know is that we love them and care about them regardless of actions or performance
Accept our children as the unique creatures that they are, even while we're working to help them cultivate interests and talents and become good, responsible, productive people.
Criticism, our difficulty tolerating imperfection: attacks the child's value; the unique individual standing in front of us. This feeds feelings of self-hatred.
How is my own inner talk? Am I critical or do I treat myself kindly
Kids want and need limits.
The likelihood of showing restraint is increased by our attachment to a loving parent or partner.
Behavioral vs psychological control
Separate their needs for mine
Perfectionism: precursor of depression
While lapses (yelling, belittling,) are inevitable, making amends and taking responsibility is essential
Value: relationships, downtime, freedom to think creativity, lack of self-consciousness
Vs. Notion of "not good enough"
Absolute best versus personal best
Perfectionism is driven by a need to avoid failure to appear flawless-- to hide feelings of insecurity and vulnerability.
Art of living: take pleasure from efforts and successes and tolerate limitations
We need our eyes open to the people standing in front of us with varying degrees of talent, ambition, capacity, and desire.
Bullying feeds off indifference of community
A happy child begins with a mother who has her basic needs met.
We need to be compassionate and more charitable with ourselves.
A father's greatest impact is his ability to nurture his wife.
Internal resources: friends, interests, support, clear priorities, and clarity about her own life story.
As we are able to feel generally loved, valued, and connected, so will our children.
Happier women make happier mothers and wives.
Being open about struggles and challenges help model resilience, active approaches to problem-solving, and compassion for oneself.
Children are exquisitely tuned to their mothers state of mind p208
Take advantage of opportunities to teach that while life isn't always fair, pain is always used by love and connection
There will be times when we need to sit down, look a person in the eye and say out loud that something is wrong and we want to help.
The healthy sense of self that we want so desperately for children must first exist in ourselves.
Warmth protects child development
The "good enough mother"
Children thrive best when their mothers take care of themselves as well as their children
The best gift you can give your children is a good marriage
There is no perfect parent. We will always carry around disappointments from our own childhood.
Parent with warmth and acceptance instead of pressure and criticism
Commit to nurturing them with warmth, clear limits, firm consequences and a delight in their potential and uniqueness
We all yearn to be loved for who we are, not just for what we do
Let us truly see, truly appreciate, and truly love the child who stands in front of us
The most influential people in my life are the ones that know me and still like me and believe in me. Grampy, woodruff, Maureen,
Parenting: being a gracious recipient of the precious spirit you have been called to care for.
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