Dare to Lead/ Leading greatly -Brené Brown

We move from our head to our hear through our hands. 

People, people, people, people

Be honest with the struggle. 

“What does support from me look like?”

This holds people accountable for knowing what they need. 

Initiate questions and hard conversations you don’t feel equipped to address. Even when we’re not ready. I’m a traveler not a map maker. Deliberate in building relationships. 

Comfortable addressing the messy parts of life. 

Daring leadership Is ultimately about serving other people. Not ourselves. That’s why we choose courage. 

Ego: inner hustler, self protection, worries about what others think of us. 

We are not here to fit in. 

Empathy: antidote to shame

Strong back, soft heart 

Narcissism: shame based fear of being ordinary. 

Why do we insist on dress rehearsing tragedy in the moments of deep joy?

Joy is the most vulnerable feeling we feel. 

We cannot plan for pain and tragedy. 

Practice gratitude and celebrate small victories. Really feel joy. Bask in it. Sit in it. Even if you have something so great and could lose it all. Hold it. Recognize it. 

Regularly celebrate victories!

We cannot selectively numb emotion. If we numb the dark, we numb the light. 

If we take the edge off pain and discomfort we are, by default, taking the edge off joy, Love, belonging and the other emotions that give meaning to our lives. 

 integration: Strong back, soft front, wild heart. 

By being truly transparent. seeing the world as it is and letting the world see us as we are. 

It might be tough, but Clear is kind. 

Practice the courage to say what you mean and mean what you say. 

“despair is the belief that tomorrow will be just like today”

 in my life, I contributed more than I criticized. 

When we own our own hard stories, and rumble with them, we can write a new ending. Use what we’ve survived to become more passionate and empathetic. 

Communication is never easy, but we’re always grateful and stronger when we’re done. 

Our egos are willing to keep our hearts and taste and armor no matter the cost.  if we can avoid feeling less than. What the ego doesn’t understand is that stunting our emotional growth and shutting down our vulnerability doesn’t protect us from shame, disconnection, and isolation, it guarantees them. 

Shame can’t survive a healthy dose of empathy. 

“unwanted identities” (sick, unreliable, broken, orphan, gender confusion, etc.) is one of the primary elicitors of shame. They are characteristics that undermine our vision of our ideal selves. 

The harder you fight them, the worse they get. The fear that I would never get back to my old self created anticipatory anxiety. 

as a German American Texan, and After 50 years, the words “Suck it up” and “push through” are no longer in my vocabulary. 

The only people who don’t have shame are those who lack the ability for empathy and human connection. 

Anticipatory anxiety. 

Shame. We think we’re too flawed and joy worthy of connection. 

Guilt: I did something bad. 

Shame: I am bad. 

Discomfort of cognitive dissonance. Doing something that goes against our value system. 

Give people a way out with dignity by: remembering they’re human and paying attention to feelings. When you’re doing what you’re doing, keep the human in mind. 

Great leaders make tough people decisions (and have hard discussions) and are tender in implementing them. 

Kind, clear, respectful, and generous. 

Hold duality of head and heart. 

Empathy is the antidote to shame. 

Danger of comparative suffering. There’s no reason to rank and ration empathy. Our job is to connect. It’s not connecting to an experience, it’s connecting to the feeling of the experience, not the experience itself. 

She was still in it because I was still in it. It’s uncomfortable to hurt with another, to

be with someone in their darkness. 

Empathy skills: 

1.see how others see the world; through their lenses. Honor their truths. Perspective taking skills requires becoming the learner, not the knower. Curiosity is the key to rumbling. Become the listener and the student. 

2.be nonjudgmental. We are often most judgmental in areas that we are most susceptible to shame and they are doing worse than is. We offload the hurt by judging others. We don’t judge in area that we feel a strong sense of self worth and are confident in ourselves. 

3.to understand another’s feelings. Show up with your whole hearts. 

4.communicating our understanding of others’ feelings. Comfortable in the world of emotions and fluent in communicating its language. Fluent in feelings. Emotional literacy. We should be able to name 30-40 emotions in ourselves and others. 

5.mindfulness. Paying attention.Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Ruminating is a bad as not noticing. 

Being connected is the best navigation system. Connecting and paying attention. Let go of the need to say the right thing or to not say the wrong thing. 

Embrace others for their strengths and struggles. 

Empathy miss:

1.Sympathy vs. empathy. Feeling bad FOR someone vs. bad WITH someone. “I see you.” We climb down and we know how to get out. 

“Me too”

I haven’t experienced this but I understand vs. that sounds awful and I don’t want to know. 

“I get it.” Feeling WITH. “I know this struggle and you’re not alone.” She didn’t feel bad for me me. She felt pain with me. 

When someone feels sorry for us, it magnifies our sense of being alone, not normalcy. 

2.The gasp. Shock. 

3.the mighty fall. Disappointment. Stems perfectionism. Let down by imperfections (parent to child). I just never expected that from you. What happened?

4.Block and tackle. Scold, blame. 

5.Boots and shovel. Refuses to acknowledge that you can make mistakes. Does t want to sit I. Discomfort. 

6.”if you think that’s bad.” One upper. Comparing and competing. Shifts focus to self. 

Empathy is a skill. We can practice and get better. 

Any assumption of perfection in another person is an empathic miss. 

Be kind and extend generosity to ourselves. Resist punishing or shaming ourselves. Stop beating yourself up. 

Don’t take on thoughts and emotions that don’t belong to us as Our own. 

Don’t fixate, ruminate, or get stuck. 

*Be warm to yourself. 

Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love. 

Common humanity: uniting us in discomfort rather than pushing the “it’s just me” world view mentality. We are connected in both the good and the hard. 

Shame needs you to feel that you’re all alone. That it’s just you. 

“I feel you. I know that feeling. I see you and you’re not alone. I’ve been in a similar place and it’s no fun. I understand.”

Either we’re all normal or we’re all weird. Either way, it’s not just you. 

Reach out. The feelings that make us feel the most alone are actually universal. 

Name and speak shame. Bring light to it. 

Be willing to stand in discomfort with others. 

“We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.”

Learning at desirable difficulty. 

It takes confidence in self to be able to Stick to your values. 

Easy doesn’t strengthen. Easy learning doesn’t last. Easy isn’t ideal. 

Grounded confidence equals....

Curiosity: act of vulnerability and courage. It’s Uncomfortable because involves uncertainty and vulnerable. We’re scared to have hard conversations because we can’t control the outcome. I’m not sure where this is going to go. 

It’s as if we’d rather have a bad solution that leads to action than stay i. The uncertainty of problem identification. 

If I had an hour to solve a problem I’d spend 55 min thinking about the problem and 5 min solving it... it’s just that I stay with problems longer. 

I’m all in. I love a wild ride. No worries. I’m up for wherever this goes. I’m in for the long haul. I do t need to know all the answers or say the right thing I just need to stay with it. 

Rumble starters and questions:

1. The story I make up. 
2. I’m curious about. 
3. Tell me more. 
4. That’s not my experience (working with that person).
5. I’m wondering. 
6. Help me understand. 
7. Walk me through. 
8. Tell me about your passion. 
9. Tell me why this doesn’t fit for you. 
10. I’m working from these assumptions what about you?
11. What problem are we actually trying to solve. Identify the problem. Find the facts then circle back. 
12. What is the goal we’re working towards?

Ex: Old Navy

Build a culture of trust. Don’t judge outcomes as good or bad. Instead, review and learn from them and quickly improve. Openness. Trust. Teamwork. Everyone shares ideas on how we can improve (our family). No shaming and no blaming. Learnings, not failures. We’re all in this together. 

Remove fear of failure and the fear of being judged. Openness, collaboration, continuous learning. 

Ask: What did we set out to do? 

What happened? 

What can we learn from it? 

How fast can we improve on it?

Principal:

Complex, challenging, rewarding, and lonely. 

1. Practice vulnerability: People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. Share your personal story.  Explain how you’ve overcome challenges. Share your “Why” for leading. Share and OWN your life story and journey. 
2. Self-awareness. Journaling. Spend time in quiet reflection and the Share this fresh and new perspective and insights.
3. Developing tools to have those hard conversations. “This is just the way we do it” vs. giving people a voice to share insights. Celebrate what works and throw out what doesn’t. Empower others (children) to lead. 

Rumble Tools:

Downloadable workbook online. Roll play. Write down notes. 

Part 2: Living into our VALUES

Distractions. Noise. Critics. Huddling to try to prove, protect, or please. 

Putting other ideas and voices in front of our own. 

Clarity of OUR values. 

we don’t empty rumbling empty handed. We bring our values in with us. Our judgment of what is important and what matters the most in our lives. 

1. Define what’s most important to us. What is our North Star? See list of values on online. Pick 2 core values. Honesty. Loyalty. 
2. Choose voice over comfort. Don’t choose silence over what is right. Find the face of God in everyone. Love everyone just not their ideas. No dehumanizing language. Show up for people in pain and don’t look away. Choose courage over comfort. 
3. Empathy and self compassion. Vs. scarcity and comparison. Do t stay silent about hard things (privilege, gender, white). I operate from a place that is far more privileged than others. Silence is not a component of brave leadership. A brave leader is not someone armed with all the answers. Instead: “I hear you. I see you. And I’m going to do all I can to help find the answers.”
4. Pittman spirituality is... experience the extraordinary in the ordinary.” 
5. What I feel when I’m living into my values: Decisions don’t come easy. Enjoy quiet moments when I feel strong. 

Are you in the right headspace to give feedback?

1. Willing to sit by the other person, not across. 
2. Put issue in front of us both, not between us. There’s something that we can change together. 
3. Ready to listen. Ask questions. And accept that I may not know all the information and this might take multiple sessions. Here’s what I’m seeing. Here’s what I’m making up about what I see. Here are some questions I have. Take notes, take time, and circle back. 
4. I’m ready to acknowledge what you do well instead of just picking apart your mistakes. 
5. Recognize their strengths and how they can use them to change. “I know you are detail oriented. How can we use those skills here?”
6. I can hold them accountable without shaming or blaming. 
7. Be open to OWNING my part. We ALL own some part. 
8. Able to genuinely thank someone for their efforts rather than just criticize failings. Look for opportunities to call out the good. 
9. Can talk about how resolving these opportunities will tie directly to growth and change. 
10. Can model vulnerability, curiosity and openness

How will I live within my values? How will I show up on the conversation? Allow people to have feelings without taking responsibility for them. 

Receiving feedback, regardless of the skill of the person giving it:

Giving good feedback is a skill. Some do it well and some do not. Uncomfortable because: their lack of skills. What are their intentions? Taken off guard. 

Positive self talk 

1. “I’m brave enough to listen.”
2. “There’s something valuable here. Take what works and leave the rest.”
3. “This is the path to mastery. This leads to knowledge about myself.”
4. Stay present and avoid being defensive. 
5. Learn their side of the situation. Slow down and truly listen. 
6. Fully acknowledge and hold the feedback. 
7. It’s ok to say: “I’m on overload right now. I can only hear so much right now. I need a break and we can circle back. 

Get to the heart of issues with heart. 

Regular feedback. Own feelings. 

Practice giving feedback to each other. 

To know my values is to know me. 

You don’t really know someone until you know their values. 

I take responsibility for the energy I bring. 

I treat others with respect and 

I am mindful of other people’s time. 

I talk to people not about them. 

“Clear is kind.”

“Assumption of positive intent.” Extend the most generous interpretation as possible. Assume the best in people. Set and maintain values and know most people are doing the best they can. The most compassionate and generous of people are the most boundaried. 

BIG Boundaries. Integrity. Generous in assumptions of others. People are really trying in that moment. 

We’re all doing the best we can. Mike. My boys. Our parents. We’re all here trying. Cut them some slack. 

And... “I’m doing the best I can right now.”

Trust

BRAVING inventory 

Definition of integrity